Is there something wrong with me?

So, life has been going pretty darn good lately. The show went really well and on opening night, the choreographer pulled me aside to tell me what a great job she thought I did and to tell me that she is doing another show and she thought I should audition for it. So, I'm currently in rehearsals again and having a great time. I even feel pretty good about the fact that I'll be on stage in this one wearing something along the lines of a belly dancer outfit. But, I've lost about 20 pounds since the beginning of the year and I've been hitting the gym and working on toning up a little more, so I'm feeling pretty good about showing it off on stage. The hair is also looking good, which has been nice.

And then things came kind crashing down- psychologically speaking. I had gone out for a drink and then dinner with a guy I met on match.com just as I started rehearsing for the first show I did this summer. He was a very nice guy and conversation was fine. But, I just didn't feel that "spark" with him. He didn't really make me laugh a lot and I just got the feeling that life with him would be dull. I was kind of open to taking it a little further to see if there was anything there, but I was so stinking busy, so when I had to tell him that I really didn't have time the following weekend to get together, he texted back that I should let him know when I had time and that if I wasn't really interested in getting together again that he enjoyed meeting me. He was actually pretty nice about it, but I just didn't feel anything still.

I took a little break from the match thing too much while I was still doing the show, but some time in July I got a message from someone else on there that seemed like there could be something there. We messaged back and forth a couple of times, and this past week, we finally met for drinks. Again, he was a really nice guy. He has a good job, owns his own house, and seemed like someone who would treat me really well, but again, nothing. No "spark" and no real laughter. This time though, he texted me about getting together for brunch this weekend and I texted him back that I thought he was very nice, but that I didn't feel a "spark" and that I felt it was better to end things now than to drag this on. He, however, wasn't as nice about it and texted back first asking me what I was looking for (I would love to know, myself) and then he texted me something about "heaven help the men out there". Well, thanks, just because you aren't the right one for me doesn't make me some sort of maneater- I guess I figured that it was better to end this before any feelings developed on his part, knowing that I wasn't feeling it.

The problem isn't that I don't feel a "spark" with anyone, its that I don't feel a "spark" with the right guys. That's two nice guys that I've met on match and nothing, however, back this winter, I went out with my brother and some of his friends for his birthday. We had a bit to drink and towards the end of the evening, walking my brother back to his place, his really good friend held my hand. At first I thought he was just being nice since it was icy outside and I was in heels. But he held my hand all the way back to my brother's place and when we got inside, my brother went upstairs and his friend kissed me. It was brief, since my brother came back down, but stupid me, the next day thought that maybe that had meant something. This was the one friend of his that I have always thought was cute and fun. But, the next time I ran into him, he couldn't spit it out fast enough that he was really drunk the night of my brother's birthday, which pretty much says to me that he chalks that all up to drinking too much.

Then came this summer and the show I was in. The guy who got cast opposite me was really great. We got along really well and became really good friends. He works a night job and we had quite a few long text conversations after rehearsals. And once the show ended, we continued our friendship. We did actually kind of admit that there was an attraction there, but there are two major problems with that. First, he's significantly younger than me, I mean, not like illegal younger, but still way younger. Second, and way more of a problem is that he has a girlfriend who while he's attracted to me, he is completely in love with his girlfriend. So, yeah, while we're still trying to be friends, that relationship is never going past friendship.

This brings me to my issue. Why can't I feel something for these nice guys and yet I am attracted to the unavailable guys? What is my problem? While the easiest question is to ask if there is something wrong with me, I don't really think there is. I just still can't quite figure out what I want. I thought I knew, but I also wound up not listing anything as an absolute "must-have" in my match.com profile. I don't know why- I guess it goes along with my desire for people to like me and to not offend anyone. I didn't want anyone to think I was a horrible person for saying that being overweight is not acceptable to me. (although with that one, it's amazing what some guys think "about average" means)

So, in my recent soul-searching I've been reevaluating some things. First, I'm not going to rely too much on this new friendship. I found that I became very dependent on our conversations and that's not good. I shouldn't be relying on someone who won't always be there for me. Second, I'm going to change up my profile. I'm going to list that I absolutely don't want someone who is overweight, or over 40, or who doesn't believe in God. I also am going to state that I want someone who can both enjoy and support my love of theater and music but who also makes Packers games a priority. (This last guy actually said that while he likes the Packers, he sometimes chooses to do his grocery shopping during game time, since its not crowded- that would never survive with me or my family.) I want someone who while he may be settled in a career, he can be spontaneous and random. Finally, I am going to continue my inner evaluation. I think I may start meditating and I've been reading the book "Eat Pray Love" which so far as phenomenal. While I don't have the time or money to do what she did, I think I can pick up a few things from her. What I do know for sure is this: I will not settle for anything less than the absolutely perfect man for me. I refuse to put myself in a position like Elizabeth Gilbert, where I wind up crying on the bathroom floor because I don't want to be married. As much as being single sucks- and quite a bit more these days than it used to- I would rather be single forever than settle with the wrong person. It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from Sex and the City, "Some people are settling, some are settling down and some won't settle for anything less than butterflies." Well, I want butterflies and I'm going to just keep plugging along until I find them.